“ ‘My master,’ replied he, in so unconcerned a tone that I could scarcely contain myself, ‘what reason have you to be angry? Do not you know that all barbers are not like me, and that you would not find another like myself, even if you had him made expressly for you? You only asked for a barber, and in my person you see united the best barber of Baghdad, an experienced physician, a profound chemist, a never-failing astrologer, a finished grammarian, a perfect rhetorician, a subtle logician; a mathematician, thoroughly accomplished in geometry, arithmetic, astronomy, and in all the refinements of algebra; an historian, thoroughly versed in the history of all the kingdoms in the universe. Besides these sciences, I am well instructed in all the points of philosophy, and have my memory well stored with all our laws and all our traditions. I am moreover a poet, and an architect; but what am I not? There is nothing in nature concealed from me. Your late honoured father, to whom I pay a tribute of tears every time I think of him, was fully convinced of my merit. He loved me, caressed me, and never failed to quote me on all occasions as the first man in the whole world. My gratitude and friendship for him attach me to you, and urge me to take you under my protection, and secure you from all misfortunes with which the planets may threaten you.’

“ ‘Notwithstanding my anger, I could not help laughing at this speech. ‘When do you mean to have done, impertinent chatterer?’ cried I, ‘and when do you intend to begin shaving me?’

“ ‘Indeed,’ replied the barber, ‘you do me an injury by calling me a chatterer: for you must know that I everywhere enjoy the honourable appellation of ‘Silent.’ I had six brothers, whom you might with some reason have termed chatterers; and that you may be acquainted with them, I will tell you that the eldest was named Bacbouc, the second Bakbarah, the third Bakbac, the fourth Alcouz, the fifth Alnaschar, and the sixth Schacabac. These men were indeed most tiresome talkers; but I, who am the youngest of the family, am very grave and sparing of my words.’

“ ‘Think what a situation was mine! What could I do with so cruel a tormentor? ‘Give him three pieces of gold,’ said I to the slave who managed the expenses of my house, ‘and send him away, that I may be rid of him; I will not be shaved to-day.’ ‘My master,’ cried the barber at hearing this, ‘what am I to understand by these words? It was not I who came to seek you; it was you who ordered me to come; and that being the case, I swear by the faith of a Mussulman I will not quit your house till I have shaved you. If you do not know my value, it is no fault of mine: your late honoured father was more just to my merits. Each time when he sent for me to bleed him, he used to make me sit down by his side, and then it was delightful to hear the clever things with which I entertained him. I kept him in continual admiration; I enchanted him; and when I had finished speaking he would cry, “Ah, you are an inexhaustible fund of science; no one can approach the profundity of your knowledge.” “My dear master,” I used to reply, “you do me more honour than I deserve. If I say a good thing, I am indebted to you for the favourable hearing: it is your liberality that inspires me with those sublime ideas which have the good fortune to meet your approbation.” One day, when he was quite charmed with an admirable discourse I had just delivered, he exclaimed: “Give him an hundred pieces of gold, and dress him in one of my richest robes!” I received this present immediately; and at the same time I drew out his horoscope, which I found to be one of the most fortunate in the world. I carried the proofs of my gratitude still further, for I cupped him instead of merely bleeding him with a lancet.’

“ ‘He did not stop; he began another speech which lasted a full half-hour. Tired out with hearing him, and vexed at finding the time pass while I made no progress, I knew not what more to say. At length I exclaimed, ‘Indeed it is not possible that there can be in the whole world a man who takes a greater delight in making others mad.’

“ ‘I then thought I might succeed better by gentle means. ‘In the name of Allah,’ I said to him, ‘leave off your fine speeches, and despatch me quickly: I have an affair of the greatest importance, which obliges me to go out, as I have already told you.’ At these words he began to laugh. ‘It would be very praiseworthy,’ said he, ‘if our minds were always calm and equable; however, I am willing to believe that when you put yourself in a passion with me, it was your late illness which ruffled your temper; on this account, therefore, you are in need of some instructions, and you cannot do better than follow the example of your father and your grandfather. They used to come and consult me in all their affairs; and I may safely say, without vanity, that they were always the better for my advice. Let me tell you, that a man scarcely ever succeeds in any enterprise if he has not recourse to the opinions of enlightened persons. No man becomes clever, says the proverb, unless he consults a clever man. I am entirely at your service, and you have only to command me.’

“ ‘Cannot I persuade you,’ interrupted I, ‘to desist from these long speeches, which only drive me mad, and prevent me from keeping my appointment? Shave me directly, or leave my house.’ So saying I arose, and angrily struck my foot against the ground.

“ ‘When he saw that I was really exasperated with him, he said, ‘O master, do not be angry; I will begin directly.’ In fact, he washed my head and began to shave me; but he had not touched me four times with his razor, when he stopped to say, ‘My master, you are hasty; you should abstain from these gusts of passion, which only come from the devil. Moreover, I deserve that you should have some respect for me on account of my age, my knowledge, and my striking virtues.’

“ ‘Go on shaving me,’ said I, interrupting him again, ‘and speak no more.’ ‘You mean to tell me,’ replied he, ‘that you have some pressing affair on your hands. I’ll lay a wager that I am not mistaken.’ ‘I told you this two hours ago,’ returned I; ‘you ought to have shaved me long since.’ ‘Moderate your impatience,’ replied he: ‘perhaps you have not considered well what you are going to do; what a man does precipitately is almost always a source of repentance. I wish you would tell me what this affair is about which you are in such haste, and I will give you my opinion on it. You have plenty of time, for you are not expected till noon, and it will not be noon these three hours.’ ‘That is nothing to me,’ said I; ‘men who keep their word are always before the time appointed. But in reasoning thus with you, I am imitating the faults of chattering barbers. Finish shaving me at once.’

“ ‘The more anxious I was for despatch, the less willing was he to obey me. He put down his razor to take up his astrolabe; and when he put down his astrolabe, he took up his razor.

“ ‘He seized his astrolabe a second time, and left me, half shaved, to go and see precisely what o’clock it was. When he returned, ‘My master,’ said he, ‘I was certain I was not mistaken; it wants three hours to noon, I am well assured, or all the rules of astronomy are false.’ ‘Mercy of Allah!’ cried I, ‘my patience is exhausted, I can hold out no longer. Cursed barber! ill-omened barber! I can hardly refrain from falling upon thee and strangling thee.’ ‘Be calm, my master,’ said he, coolly, and without showing any emotion or anger; ‘you seem to have no fear of bringing on your illness again: do not be so passionate, and you shall be shaved in a moment. ’ Saying this, he put the astrolabe in its case, took his razor, which he sharpened on a strap that was fastened to his girdle, and began to shave me; but whilst he was shaving he could not help talking. ‘If,’ said he, ‘you would inform me what this affair is that will engage you at noon, I would give you some advice, which you might find serviceable.’ To satisfy him, I told him that some friends expected me at noon to give me a feast and rejoice with me on my recovery.

“ ‘Directly the barber heard me mention a feast, he exclaimed, ‘May Allah bless you on this day as well as on every other! You bring to my mind that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and regale with me to-day; I had forgotten it, and have not made any preparations for them.’ ‘Let not that embarrass you,’ said I: ‘although I am going out, my table is always well supplied, and I make you a present of all that has been prepared for it to-day; I will also give you as much wine as you want, for I have some of excellent quality in my cellar. Only be quick and finish shaving me; and remember that, instead of making you presents to hear you talk, as my father did, I give them to you for being silent.’

“ ‘He was not content to rely on my word. ‘May Allah recompense you,’ cried he, ‘for the favour you do me. But show me these provisions directly, that I may judge if there will be enough to regale my friends handsomely; for I wish them to be satisfied with the good cheer I give them.’ ‘I have,’ said I, ‘a lamb, six capons, a dozen fowls, and sufficient meat for four courses.’ I gave orders to a slave to produce the whole supply, together with four large jugs of wine. ‘This is well,’ replied the barber; ‘but we shall want some fruit, and some herbs for sauce to the meat.’ I desired my slaves to give him what he wanted. He left off shaving me to examine each thing separately; and as this examination took up nearly half an hour, I stamped and cried out with impatience: but I might excite myself as I pleased, the rascal did not hurry the more. At length, however, he again took up the razor, and for a few minutes went on shaving me; then stopping suddenly, he cried, ‘I should never have supposed that you had been of so liberal a turn; I begin to discover that your late father, of honoured memory, lives a second time in you. Certainly I did not deserve the favours you heap on me; and I assure you that I shall retain an eternal sense of my obligation; for I may as well tell you, for your future information, that I have nothing but what I get from generous people like yourself. In this I resemble Zantout, who rubs people at the bath, and Sali, who sells little burnt peas about the streets, and Salouz, who sells beans, and Akerscha, who sells herbs, and Abou Mekares, who waters the streets to lay the dust, and Cassem, who belongs to the caliph’s guard. All these people rigidly avoid melancholy. They are neither sorrowful nor quarrelsome. Better satisfied with their fortune than the caliph himself in the midst of his court, they are always gay, and ready to dance and sing; and each of them has his peculiar dance and song with which he entertains the whole city of Baghdad. But what I esteem most highly in them is, that they are not great talkers, any more than your slave who has the honour of speaking to you. Now, my master, I will give you the song and the dance of Zantout, who rubs the people at the bath: look at me, and you will see an exact imitation.’

“ ‘The barber sang the song and danced the dance of Zantout; and, notwithstanding all I could say to make him cease his buffoonery, he would not stop till he had given a similar imitation of each of the men he had mentioned. After that he said, ‘Sir, I am going to invite all these good people to my house; and, if you will take my advice, you will be of our party, and leave your friends, who are perhaps great talkers, and will only disturb you by their tiresome conversation, and will worry you into an illness still worse than that from which you have just recovered; whereas at my house you will enjoy only pleasure.’

“ ‘Notwithstanding my anger, I could not avoid laughing at his folly. ‘I wish,’ said I, ‘that I had no other engagement; then I would gladly accept your proposal. I would with all my heart make one among your merry friends; but I must entreat you to excuse me: I am too much engaged to-day. I shall be more at liberty another day, and we will have this party. Finish shaving me, and hasten away; for perhaps your friends are already waiting for you.’ ‘O my master,’ replied he, ‘do not refuse me the favour I ask of you. Come and amuse yourself with the good company I shall have. If you could only behold them, you would be so pleased with them that you would give up your friends readily.’ ‘Say no more about it,’ said I; ‘I cannot be present at your feast.’

“ ‘I gained nothing by gentleness. ‘Since you will not come with me,’ replied the barber, ‘you must allow me to accompany you. I will carry home the provisions you have given me; my friends shall eat of them if they like, and I will return immediately. I cannot be guilty of such an incivility as to suffer you to go alone: you deserve any exercise of friendship on my part.’ ‘Good heaven!’ exclaimed I, on hearing this, ‘am I then condemned to bear the tormenting of this creature for this whole day? In the name of Allah,’ said I to him, ‘make an end of your tiresome speeches; go to your friends, eat and drink, and enjoy yourselves, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I will go alone, and do not want any one to accompany me; and, indeed, if you must know the truth, the place where I am going is not one in which you can be received; I only can be admitted.’ ‘You jest, my master,’ replied he. ‘If your friends have invited you to an entertainment, what reason can prevent me from accompanying you? You will very much oblige them, I am sure, by taking with you a man like me, who has the art of entertaining a company and making them merry. Say what you will, I am resolved to go in spite of you.’